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how to grow paperwhites (aka how to force paperwhite bulbs)
forcing bulbs to give you flowers in Jan/Feb is a fun way to mess with nature.
first, purchase the necessary items (bulbs, dirt or stones, a bowl) or receive a kit as a gift from some lovely house guests.
remember: these are NOT for eating. don’t forget to remind special helper of this.
second, ignore directions. combine dirt with water and bulbs, preferably in tub or sink. (technically the water is supposed to be added after dirt and bulbs, but only if you’re dirt adverse.)
third, make sure at least a third or more of the bulb is above soil and that soil is damp throughout. if using rocks instead of soil, bulbs should be less than one fourth below rocks and water should be just about level with rocks but not much higher or else you risk rot.
pro-tip: if you add too much water carefully tip container to drain off excess.
fourth, put by window and tell bulbs that you have high expectations for them.
fifth, wait patiently for about a week or two. make sure the soil stays moist but not soggy. (rocks are easier because its just about keeping water at right level)
sixth, enjoy the smellyness
DONE!
Tweet 1 notehow to grow potatoes inside
first, purchase some potatoes. mini-ones are easiest to carry home and to plant later. carelessly put them in a dark cool-ish cupboard. wait however long it take for them to start sprouting.
second, wait some more for good measure. when the sprouts are about hand high, they are ready to be planted.
third, get a jar and put some rocks up to almost the rim and add water to almost the top. put a couple ‘taters on top.
fourth, put jar someplace sorta near light.
NOTE: if you live with another human being or really nosey animals it is HIGHLY recommended to hide jar.
fifth, wait patiently (and add water when it gets low).
sixth, encourage growth by telling potatoes stories about paul bunion.
seventh, receive email from grandmother laughing/mocking at urban farming efforts. go to check on potatoes to confirm that they are not a laughing matter.
eighth, try really hard to not barf when you dump the surprisingly putrid mess in the sink. (if you have a sensitive gag reflex its probably best to go straight to outdoor trash.)
DONE!
Tweet 67 noteshow to consolidate honey supply
first, set up receiver bear and giver bear. receiver bear should sit in a bag because spilled honey is sticky.
second, set up the exchange.
third, wait.
fourth, after 10 minutes escalate situation. show honey bear who is boss. run giver bear under very hot water until it agrees to cooperate.
fifth, pour honey from giver bear into receiver bear.
sixth, put cap back on receiver, clean giver, add plants.
DONE!
Tweet 3 noteshow to grow sea-monkeys from 1997, pt. 2
CONTINUED…
sixth, after waiting 5 days decide that perhaps there will be no new pet friends after all.
seventh, leave jar on desk for another week just in case.
done.
Tweet 0 noteshow to grow sea-monkeys from 1997, pt. 1
first, retrieve sea-monkeys from 1997 from oblivion.
second, follow the directions for purifying the water even though it means waiting 24 to 30 HOURS. while waiting, contemplate why having fun involved sooo much waiting back in the day.
third, after 26.5 hours have passed. add new pet friends to water. read directions on packet after.
fourth, stir vigorously.
fifth, upon seeing nothing “swimming against the current,” decide to give them a few days to wake up from 1997.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tweet 1 note
