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how to change a front door lock (post holiday edition)
NOTE: this qualifies as post holiday because its a good way to ensure that pesky relatives don’t return and that you don’t get robbed after santa sells your information & key on the black market (how else do you think he pays for all those presents?)
first, remove the old lock by unscrewing and removing all visible screws and lock parts. there should be only a hole left.
PRO TIP: take careful note of how the parts fit together. this will make new lock install a lot less confusing.
second, take new lock out of box. keep the new and old parts separate. (don’t throw anything away.)
NOTE: multilock locks are expensive but worth it for the fancy square key technology that never gets stuck.
third, recall how the ring thingy fit over the actual key hole thing (aka the cylinder) on the old lock. slide the new ring thingy onto the the cylinder body. this should make it so that you can fit it in through the front of the door and it will sit mostly flush with the door.
fourth, holding cylinder in place, switch to the inside view of the door and grab the two smaller screws and the little plate (already installed in pic below) that will keep cylinder from falling out of the hole.
PRO TIP: if you don’t have a snazzy assistant to help hold the cylinder in place while you screw the little plate on, you can use duct tape on the front of the door. although be careful that it isn’t the kind that will rip the paint off…
fifth, once the lock cylinder is secured, find the old inside cover part (the one with the knob and deadbolt). hold the weird little tab that opens up the hole in the center and slide that hole over the stick thing.
sixth, post obligatory lewd joke, find the four longer screws that go with the cover. screw them in.
seventh, if you live in a sketchy or formerly sketchy area, find the front door cover plate and figure out how to screw/hammer those screws in. don’t forget to secure the screws with the nuts that keep screws in place on the inside of the door.
eighth, collect all the random tiny knoby parts, balls, screws that are left over. dump them in the toolbox. dont ask why, just do it.
ninth, throw away the old keys and lock the door. (take that santa!)
DONE!
Tweet 20 noteshow to survive the holidays (holiday edition)
first, procure some wine and a very classy goblet. or a mug. or just any container of booze.
NOTE: if you are younger than 21, sorry, you’re just gonna have to suffer. haha.
second, pour booze into classy goblet. lacking a goblet or mug, pour directly in mouth. but try to keep it classy. its the goddam holidays after all!
third, drink it you classy person! you’ve earned it! (if you poured directly into mouth, swallow.)
fourth, repeat!
DONE! Have a classy holiday!
Special thanks to em, the very classy picture source.
Tweet 19 noteshow to make valentines day cards, 2011 style, pt 1
first, because this is 2011, use ipad and other wireless technology fancy devices to compile a list of people to send valentines to. when list hits 20 people employ favorite swear word. that is a lot of heart cutting.
second, use technology to draw heart for base of card on ipad.
note: chuckle to superior-2011-self at how pathetic valentines making was in 2010 sans technology.
third, go print hearts and buy glue. don’t hold back.
fourth, get cutting. cut out those hearts like a grave robber on a tight deadline.
fifth, get gluing!!
sixth, after two hours of painstaking gluing work check to see if hearts are dry. discover that yellow glue stick has not worked in a glue-like manner. consider possibility that non stick-ness is half due to the glossy ‘high tech’ printed heart. employ favorite swear word several times.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tweet 0 notesspecial holiday edition: how to make valentines day cards
first, make sure that its past 11 pm and you have sufficient work to ignore.
second, get out your supplies.
paper and scissors:
glue that should have been thrown out a year or two ago:
third, cut out hearts and glue them to other hearts. try to avoid getting the glue blobs on your floor or yourself.
fourth, look at the mess you’ve made and at the clock that says 2 am. swear profusely.
fifth, admire your handy work.
sixth, in the morning, write “happy valentines day 2010 and belated happy xmas 2009 and in advance happy xmas 2010!!!” on the cards, address envelopes and add stamps. mail on your way to work.
DONE!
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