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how to grow paperwhites (aka how to force paperwhite bulbs)
forcing bulbs to give you flowers in Jan/Feb is a fun way to mess with nature.
first, purchase the necessary items (bulbs, dirt or stones, a bowl) or receive a kit as a gift from some lovely house guests.
remember: these are NOT for eating. don’t forget to remind special helper of this.
second, ignore directions. combine dirt with water and bulbs, preferably in tub or sink. (technically the water is supposed to be added after dirt and bulbs, but only if you’re dirt adverse.)
third, make sure at least a third or more of the bulb is above soil and that soil is damp throughout. if using rocks instead of soil, bulbs should be less than one fourth below rocks and water should be just about level with rocks but not much higher or else you risk rot.
pro-tip: if you add too much water carefully tip container to drain off excess.
fourth, put by window and tell bulbs that you have high expectations for them.
fifth, wait patiently for about a week or two. make sure the soil stays moist but not soggy. (rocks are easier because its just about keeping water at right level)
sixth, enjoy the smellyness
DONE!
Tweet 1 notehow to grow potatoes inside
first, purchase some potatoes. mini-ones are easiest to carry home and to plant later. carelessly put them in a dark cool-ish cupboard. wait however long it take for them to start sprouting.
second, wait some more for good measure. when the sprouts are about hand high, they are ready to be planted.
third, get a jar and put some rocks up to almost the rim and add water to almost the top. put a couple ‘taters on top.
fourth, put jar someplace sorta near light.
NOTE: if you live with another human being or really nosey animals it is HIGHLY recommended to hide jar.
fifth, wait patiently (and add water when it gets low).
sixth, encourage growth by telling potatoes stories about paul bunion.
seventh, receive email from grandmother laughing/mocking at urban farming efforts. go to check on potatoes to confirm that they are not a laughing matter.
eighth, try really hard to not barf when you dump the surprisingly putrid mess in the sink. (if you have a sensitive gag reflex its probably best to go straight to outdoor trash.)
DONE!
Tweet 67 noteshow to repair a broken mug
first, accidentally break a mug. collect all the pieces. apologize to owner unless it was owners own damn fault.
second, break out the epoxy. locate a mixing stick/ear wax cleaner. now is a good time figure out what order the pieces go in. epoxy dries fast.
third, mix epoxy on the non directions side of cardboard. guessing how long it has to mix (1 minute? 30 seconds?) makes it more exciting. enjoy the nice stinky feet smell.
fourth, get gluing!!!!!!!!! pro tip: try to not glue parts to self or counter or backwards. in that order.
fifth, inspect work. all parts should connect. there should be visible glue so recipient of said repaired mug will never forget how nice you were to glue each of the FOUR break points. pro tip: as the epoxy becomes hard, wish you had finished faster so that you could have used extra epoxy to glue random stuff to other random stuff lying around. sigh.
sixth, wait a few hours. test/admire work.
DONE!
Tweet 9 noteshow to get a knot out of a shoelace
first, identify knot.
second, jam a sharp object into middle of knot. (don’t cut it.)
third, wiggle it around until it is possible to pull knot apart.
DONE!
Tweet 1 notehow to dry wet stuff
first, leave bag of wet clothes on floor for a few days.
second, notice rotting feet smell coming from bag of wet clothes.
third, make an effort to rinse and dry smelly wet clothes using minimum effort, shower, tub, broom and swiffer.
fourth, upgrade, after finding that the tub broom swiffer model collapses into tub, frequently.
DONE!
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