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how to get into bed when a cat and dog are already there
first, size up the competition/ welcoming committee.
second, start talking about TREATS and walk out of room. wait for dog to follow.
third, refer to an earlier basic chore: how to get into bed when a cat is already there. follow steps exactly while guarding door to prevent dog from returning.
Note: if dog returns during step three, repeat step two but with more treats.
DONE!
Tweet 15 noteshow to make new friends, pt II
continued from how to make new friends, pt1
fifth, keep trying.
sixth, there is always bribery.
seventh, initial success!
eighth, remember to keep your freak flag under-wraps at first. don’t want to scare new friend away.
nine, reminisce with no-longer-that-new friend about how you were once desperate to be friends! ha! (secretly wonder what you were thinking.)
DONE!
Tweet 3 noteshow to open and eat a crab
first, procure the proper tools.
second, get a crab or two.
third, RESIST the urge to smash crab to bits with mallet.
fourth, after overcoming urge to destroy, carefully remove tail part.
fifth, take top shell off in order to remove gills. crabs don’t need to breath when they are dead.
sixth, break crab in half and rip out the meat with hands and any other utensils within reach. (note: if you are still clean enough to touch a camera at this point then you are doing it wrong.)
seventh, put meat in mouth.
repeat until all gone.
YUM and DONE!
Tweet 6 noteshow to use an old telephone
first, try to remember which end goes where.
second, try kicking it?
third, when you hear dial tone, start dialing.
DONE!
Tweet 4 noteshow to make new friends, pt1
first, wait patiently for new friend to notice you.
second, remain cool and collected. prepare witty first line as friend gets close.
third, remind yourself that sometimes it takes time to make unsuspecting new friends your new friend.
fourth, return to waiting patiently. re-think decision to open with a joke about eating sticks.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tweet 8 notes
