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how to grow potatoes inside
first, purchase some potatoes. mini-ones are easiest to carry home and to plant later. carelessly put them in a dark cool-ish cupboard. wait however long it take for them to start sprouting.
second, wait some more for good measure. when the sprouts are about hand high, they are ready to be planted.
third, get a jar and put some rocks up to almost the rim and add water to almost the top. put a couple ‘taters on top.
fourth, put jar someplace sorta near light.
NOTE: if you live with another human being or really nosey animals it is HIGHLY recommended to hide jar.
fifth, wait patiently (and add water when it gets low).
sixth, encourage growth by telling potatoes stories about paul bunion.
seventh, receive email from grandmother laughing/mocking at urban farming efforts. go to check on potatoes to confirm that they are not a laughing matter.
eighth, try really hard to not barf when you dump the surprisingly putrid mess in the sink. (if you have a sensitive gag reflex its probably best to go straight to outdoor trash.)
DONE!
Tweet 67 noteshow to kill mosquitoes (aka how to deal with an invasion)
first, see a mosquito.
second, grab it out of the air like a bad ass. smush it good.
third, notice that the number of mosquitoes is not decreasing despite best efforts.
fourth, find open window/door. close it.
fifth, bring out the big guns to get mosquitoes hiding out of reach. (note: if you like your shirt, use a dishtowel or cloth napkin.)
sixth, leave pile of bodies on windowsill to scare away other mosquitoes.
DONE!
Tweet 8 noteshow to grow sea-monkeys from 1997, pt. 2
CONTINUED…
sixth, after waiting 5 days decide that perhaps there will be no new pet friends after all.
seventh, leave jar on desk for another week just in case.
done.
Tweet 0 noteshow to grow sea-monkeys from 1997, pt. 1
first, retrieve sea-monkeys from 1997 from oblivion.
second, follow the directions for purifying the water even though it means waiting 24 to 30 HOURS. while waiting, contemplate why having fun involved sooo much waiting back in the day.
third, after 26.5 hours have passed. add new pet friends to water. read directions on packet after.
fourth, stir vigorously.
fifth, upon seeing nothing “swimming against the current,” decide to give them a few days to wake up from 1997.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tweet 1 notehow to make a home for a pet snail
first, locate pet snail. put him/her in some kind of container with snail food.
second, put some cling wrap stuff over the top.
third, poke some holes in the top so snail friend/pet can breathe.
fourth, read snail a bed time story. tell him/her that he/she is very cute.
DONE!
UPDATE: DO NOT LEAVE SNAIL FRIEND ALONE FOR TWO WEEKS UNSUPERVISED.
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