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how to grow paperwhites (aka how to force paperwhite bulbs)
forcing bulbs to give you flowers in Jan/Feb is a fun way to mess with nature.
first, purchase the necessary items (bulbs, dirt or stones, a bowl) or receive a kit as a gift from some lovely house guests.
remember: these are NOT for eating. don’t forget to remind special helper of this.
second, ignore directions. combine dirt with water and bulbs, preferably in tub or sink. (technically the water is supposed to be added after dirt and bulbs, but only if you’re dirt adverse.)
third, make sure at least a third or more of the bulb is above soil and that soil is damp throughout. if using rocks instead of soil, bulbs should be less than one fourth below rocks and water should be just about level with rocks but not much higher or else you risk rot.
pro-tip: if you add too much water carefully tip container to drain off excess.
fourth, put by window and tell bulbs that you have high expectations for them.
fifth, wait patiently for about a week or two. make sure the soil stays moist but not soggy. (rocks are easier because its just about keeping water at right level)
sixth, enjoy the smellyness
DONE!
Tweet 1 notehow to make oatmeal in a rice cooker
first, break out some old school oatmeal (the kind you can’t microwave), a measuring cup and the rice cooker.
second, read the directions on the can and follow them except for the parts about using a stove/paying attention to the time etc. just use the right ratio of oatmeal to water.
third, hit the start button/switch thing on the rice cooker.
fourth, unless a giant oatmeal goo mess on the cooker and counter is desired, take the cover off the rice cooker once it starts to boil.
fifth, wait for the cooker to tell you its done (google ‘fuzzy logic rice cooker’ if you get bored). if it looks like its getting over done you can pop it early.
sixth, eat the mushy masterpiece.
DONE!
Tweet 8 noteshow to grow potatoes inside
first, purchase some potatoes. mini-ones are easiest to carry home and to plant later. carelessly put them in a dark cool-ish cupboard. wait however long it take for them to start sprouting.
second, wait some more for good measure. when the sprouts are about hand high, they are ready to be planted.
third, get a jar and put some rocks up to almost the rim and add water to almost the top. put a couple ‘taters on top.
fourth, put jar someplace sorta near light.
NOTE: if you live with another human being or really nosey animals it is HIGHLY recommended to hide jar.
fifth, wait patiently (and add water when it gets low).
sixth, encourage growth by telling potatoes stories about paul bunion.
seventh, receive email from grandmother laughing/mocking at urban farming efforts. go to check on potatoes to confirm that they are not a laughing matter.
eighth, try really hard to not barf when you dump the surprisingly putrid mess in the sink. (if you have a sensitive gag reflex its probably best to go straight to outdoor trash.)
DONE!
Tweet 67 noteshow to make new friends, pt II
continued from how to make new friends, pt1
fifth, keep trying.
sixth, there is always bribery.
seventh, initial success!
eighth, remember to keep your freak flag under-wraps at first. don’t want to scare new friend away.
nine, reminisce with no-longer-that-new friend about how you were once desperate to be friends! ha! (secretly wonder what you were thinking.)
DONE!
Tweet 3 noteshow to make new friends, pt1
first, wait patiently for new friend to notice you.
second, remain cool and collected. prepare witty first line as friend gets close.
third, remind yourself that sometimes it takes time to make unsuspecting new friends your new friend.
fourth, return to waiting patiently. re-think decision to open with a joke about eating sticks.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tweet 8 notes
