January 2010
13 posts
3 tags
how to do laundry, pt 1
first, let the laundry pile up. everywhere.
second, sort the whites from the darks and colors.
third, realize that you dont care. shove all laundry into a corner of your room/apartment.
fourth, go buy new underwear.
NEXT WEEK, WE MAYBE ACTUALLY GO NEAR A WASHING MACHINE…
3 tags
how to clean out a wallet
first, put the wallet on the table. mock it until it admits that it has a problem.
second, take out anything of worth. throw the rest of the contents away.
third, give five bucks to the great person who subdued the wallet. put your salad card in your pocket.
DONE!
2 tags
how to feed a fish
first, check to make sure fish is still alive.
yup. it looks alive to me.
second, break out the meal worms. give it 3 of the dried worms broken into bite sized bits.
third, tell it that it can’t have dessert because it didnt clean its room. rules are rules!
DONE!
2 tags
how to take out the trash, pt 2
first, make sure the trash is overflowing or really stinky. or both.
second, take trash bag out of penguin trash can. tie it up and hang it on the door.
it usually helps to write a reminder note too.
third, replace trash bag. tell penguin trash can that its very cute.
fourth, when you leave your apartment to get lunch take the trash out to the building trash cans.
DONE!
2 tags
how to take out the trash, pt. 1
first, locate the trash.
usually it smells weird. if it has paper and plastic, its probably the recycling!
second, open the lid and check to make sure the trash is realllly full. (it is not green to use energy to take trash out that isnt completely full.)
third, if the trash looks full, use your hand as an electricity free trash compactor. if the trash level decreases enough so that trash...
3 tags
how to make dinner
first, open your fridge. look inside.
second, take out things that look edible. if something has visible mold or has been in the fridge for longer than 3 months dont take it out. be sure to check the freezer which usually has less mold.*
third, combine what you have found in your stomach. yum! dinner!
*note: if there isnt anything edible, there is a back up option! pick up the phone and...
6 tags
how to deal with baby birds
first, stand quietly and listen for the peeping of baby birds.
second, follow the sound. use your hunting and climbing skills! look up down and all around!
third, if you look hard you should start getting close! remember babybirds use camouflage. those tricksters.
fourth, thankfully they are stupid, so they wont be able to keep up the act for too long.
gottcha!
fifth, send in the...
4 tags
how to cook lobsters
first, obtain some lobsters. and preferably dim the lights.
second, put your cooking apron on.
yeah!
third, put lobsters to sleep by holding them upsidedown.
fourth, put them in boiling water. bye bye lobster.
fifth, let the lobsters cool down and then eat them. the front thorax is best left to entertain itself with scintillating conversation.
sixth, obligatory make out session. (too...
4 tags
how to carve a pumpkin (from the archives)
first, drive to the pumpkin store. (its best if you are wearing your costume.)
preferably not sideways, but hey whatever works.
second, pick out a pumpkin.
third, take the pumpkin home and rip its guts out so its empty.
fourth, use many sharp knives and things that may be related to rice cookers to carve a face in your pumpkin.
fifth, put wig on the pumpkin. pour yourself a drink if...
3 tags
how to make your grandmother/oma an instant new...
step one: combine flashy 2010 glasses with your oma
DONE!
3 tags
how to pot a plant, in your tub
sometimes your slutty plants make babies. you can either throw the babies in the trash or you can plant them and then give the plants away. like puppies but not nearly as cool.
step one - put all your supplies (plant babies, a pot, dirt, random other shit) in your tub.
(plant babies were living in an old jelly jar with water)
step two - dump some small rocks at the bottom of the pot (for...
4 tags
how to wash tights, preferably your own
first, take your tights off.
second, slam them into the sink and fill the sink with water.
third, add something that is or resembles soap.
fourth, let them sit for however long it takes you to remember that you were washing your tights.
remember! don’t try to to wash your hands if your tights are in there. it will make them dirty!
no! dirty!
fifth, when you hands are not covered in...
chores are no fun
case in point:
http://boringboring.org/2009/12/boring-household-chores/