February 2012
3 posts
5 tags
how to make a loud keyboard quiet
first, threaten typer*** and loud keyboard* with forcible ejection out of the nearest window.
sounds like:
second, when (if?) that proves to be a non-viable solution due to laws/permanent screens, consult internet.
third, locate alternate solution** of ”o-rings.” order immediately.
fourth, when the “o-rings” arrive not a moment too soon, create key puller with...
8 tags
how to grow paperwhites (aka how to force...
forcing bulbs to give you flowers in Jan/Feb is a fun way to mess with nature.
first, purchase the necessary items (bulbs, dirt or stones, a bowl) or receive a kit as a gift from some lovely house guests.
remember: these are NOT for eating. don’t forget to remind special helper of this.
second, ignore directions. combine dirt with water and bulbs, preferably in tub or sink....
4 tags
how to hide trash in plain sight (because your...
first, take discarded cabbage leaves and put assorted stuff that should be in the trash on top of them.
second, cover with other discarded cabbage leaves.
DONE!
for help determining when and how to take the trash out see: How to Take the Trash Out PART I and PART II from way back in 2010.
January 2012
3 posts
6 tags
how to make oatmeal in a rice cooker
first, break out some old school oatmeal (the kind you can’t microwave), a measuring cup and the rice cooker.
second, read the directions on the can and follow them except for the parts about using a stove/paying attention to the time etc. just use the right ratio of oatmeal to water.
third, hit the start button/switch thing on the rice cooker.
fourth, unless a giant oatmeal goo...
8 tags
how to grow potatoes inside
first, purchase some potatoes. mini-ones are easiest to carry home and to plant later. carelessly put them in a dark cool-ish cupboard. wait however long it take for them to start sprouting.
second, wait some more for good measure. when the sprouts are about hand high, they are ready to be planted.
third, get a jar and put some rocks up to almost the rim and add water to almost the top. put...
5 tags
how to change a front door lock (post holiday...
NOTE: this qualifies as post holiday because its a good way to ensure that pesky relatives don’t return and that you don’t get robbed after santa sells your information & key on the black market (how else do you think he pays for all those presents?)
first, remove the old lock by unscrewing and removing all visible screws and lock parts. there should be only a hole left.
PRO...
December 2011
1 post
6 tags
how to change change clock batteries
first, discover that the clock might need its batteries changed.
second, flip it over, open the battery case and attempt to remove battery.
third, employ random stick items to get battery out.
fourth, test random batteries (why wouldn’t one that expired in 2009 work??). repeat stick/fork/knife method to remove ones from 2009 that don’t work.
fifth, once a functional battery...
November 2011
5 posts
8 tags
how to deal with a mouse that is obnoxious and...
first, discover that a mouse has gained entry to the under the sink cabinet.
second, realize that mouse has been using under the sink cabinet as its own personal POOP PALACE.
third, clean out nastiness. the under the sink cabinet is NOT a bathroom.
fourth, stuff all possible holes with steel wool.
DONE.
5 tags
how to survive the holidays (holiday edition)
first, procure some wine and a very classy goblet. or a mug. or just any container of booze.
NOTE: if you are younger than 21, sorry, you’re just gonna have to suffer. haha.
second, pour booze into classy goblet. lacking a goblet or mug, pour directly in mouth. but try to keep it classy. its the goddam holidays after all!
third, drink it you classy person! you’ve earned it! (if...
9 tags
how to get into bed when a cat and dog are already...
first, size up the competition/ welcoming committee.
second, start talking about TREATS and walk out of room. wait for dog to follow.
third, refer to an earlier basic chore: how to get into bed when a cat is already there. follow steps exactly while guarding door to prevent dog from returning.
Note: if dog returns during step three, repeat step two but with more treats.
DONE!
11 tags
how to install a shelf, the difficult way
first, construct a shelf (but don’t fully assemble it) in another state, preferably one more than 8 hours away.
second, wrap shelf parts in bubble wrap, twine and tape it, bring it in a car, on a plane and in a cab to the final destination.
third, stock on up on sandpaper and other snazzy materials for the construction part.
fourth, do some screwing.
fifth, do some drilling.
...
4 tags
how to clean an outside deck
first, make a mess with a bag of chips.
second, wait 45 to 180 minutes, locate a sweeping implement or two.
third, side with the easier option.
DONE!
September 2011
3 posts
12 tags
how to start a fire
first, inspect the wood for wood-ness and dry-ness. lots of both.
second, stack one or two pieces in the fireplace with some newspaper or tiny sticks/kindling underneath.
third, light it on fire!!!!! it might take more than one match. patience is important.
fourth, remember to check to make sure the flue (aka vent at top) is open. don’t want a smokey house!
fifth, relax and enjoy...
5 tags
how to make edamame (aka soy beans)
first, wash the dirt off by soaking in water and occasionally stirring. or scolding. whichever.
second, put them in steamer contraption or a plain pot of water (it don’t matter) and turn stove on to temperature of ‘HOT’.
third, wait between 7 to 9 minutes, plus lose track of time for between 1 and 4 minutes.
fourth, drain, salt and eat.
Remember: DO NOT eat the shell....
6 tags
how to make new friends, pt II
continued from how to make new friends, pt1
fifth, keep trying.
sixth, there is always bribery.
seventh, initial success!
eighth, remember to keep your freak flag under-wraps at first. don’t want to scare new friend away.
nine, reminisce with no-longer-that-new friend about how you were once desperate to be friends! ha! (secretly wonder what you were thinking.)
DONE!
August 2011
1 post
11 tags
how to open and eat a crab
first, procure the proper tools.
second, get a crab or two.
third, RESIST the urge to smash crab to bits with mallet.
fourth, after overcoming urge to destroy, carefully remove tail part.
fifth, take top shell off in order to remove gills. crabs don’t need to breath when they are dead.
sixth, break crab in half and rip out the meat with hands and any other utensils within...
July 2011
5 posts
8 tags
how to use an old telephone
first, try to remember which end goes where.
second, try kicking it?
third, when you hear dial tone, start dialing.
DONE!
8 tags
how to kill mosquitoes (aka how to deal with an...
first, see a mosquito.
second, grab it out of the air like a bad ass. smush it good.
third, notice that the number of mosquitoes is not decreasing despite best efforts.
fourth, find open window/door. close it.
fifth, bring out the big guns to get mosquitoes hiding out of reach. (note: if you like your shirt, use a dishtowel or cloth napkin.)
sixth, leave pile of bodies on windowsill to...
7 tags
how to stack wood
first, survey the scene and size up the pile. (now is a good time to find some friends.)
second, implement a professional stacking chain.
the pick-er-up-er should pass to the receiver who passes to the stacker. duh.
third, get stacking.
fourth, so much wood. when stacking chain has stacked all wood within reach of stacking chain, nicely ask the remaining wood in the pile to move...
6 tags
how to make new friends, pt1
first, wait patiently for new friend to notice you.
second, remain cool and collected. prepare witty first line as friend gets close.
third, remind yourself that sometimes it takes time to make unsuspecting new friends your new friend.
fourth, return to waiting patiently. re-think decision to open with a joke about eating sticks.
TO BE CONTINUED…
5 tags
how to transport a kitten
first, get a basket.
second, put kitten in basket.
NOTE: if kitten is not satisfied with basket. add some rustic touches. kittens like martha stewart.
third, accept that negotiations with kitten about riding in basket have stalled. agree to “compromise” but just this one time.
DONE!
June 2011
2 posts
5 tags
how to have fun with a banana peel
first, remove banana from peel, preferably by eating it.
second, when no one is looking, put peel in freezer.
third, when it is fully frozen, take it out. have some fun!
fourth, remember to put it back when you are done.
DONE!
5 tags
how to make a peanut butter sandwich
first, locate jar of peanut butter.
second, use knife to mix it.
third, give up. look for a less challenging jar.
DONE!
May 2011
3 posts
7 tags
how to multi-task in the kitchen
first, select a tv show.
second, place it on some fruit.
third, start the dishes.
DONE!
8 tags
how to consolidate honey supply
first, set up receiver bear and giver bear. receiver bear should sit in a bag because spilled honey is sticky.
second, set up the exchange.
third, wait.
fourth, after 10 minutes escalate situation. show honey bear who is boss. run giver bear under very hot water until it agrees to cooperate.
fifth, pour honey from giver bear into receiver bear.
sixth, put cap back on receiver, clean...
5 tags
how to fix a broken pinky toe with tape
first, identify which pinky toe is broken. it will be the bruised overcooked hotdog looking one. also, it will hurt. excessively.
second, break out the medical tape that you have lying around from the last time you injured yourself.
third, introduce fourth toe to its new disabled roommate, pinky. describe tape as a “special treat” for the two new buddies.
Note: wrap them up...
April 2011
3 posts
6 tags
how to retrieve an item from behind the couch
first, locate object that is now behind couch that does not belong there.
second, locate a long object that can reach object behind couch.
third, discover that long object is stuck.
fourth, realize that its not that hard to pull couch from wall. stick arm down.
fifth, shake dust off.
DONE!
5 tags
how to eat only light-yellow-green colored food...
first, investigate fridge.
second, remove edible items. check that colors match.
third, eat.
DONE!
7 tags
how to repair a broken mug
first, accidentally break a mug. collect all the pieces. apologize to owner unless it was owners own damn fault.
second, break out the epoxy. locate a mixing stick/ear wax cleaner. now is a good time figure out what order the pieces go in. epoxy dries fast.
third, mix epoxy on the non directions side of cardboard. guessing how long it has to mix (1 minute? 30 seconds?) makes it more...
March 2011
2 posts
7 tags
how to pack like a consultant
first, don’t be a consultant, its totally lame. but if you insist…
second, select items necessary to survive monday through thursday in some random town/city and place neatly into computer bag.
third, add computer and begin compression.
fourth, zip bag shut.*
fifth, stuff all remaining items into the side pocket.
DONE!
*all items shown going into minibag were indeed...
12 tags
how to make orange juice
first, cut up an orange or two or three.
second, stick a chunk of orange into the squeezer.
third, after going through a few oranges check progress.
note: do not try to fix disappointment with lack of juice by adding other fruit, such as lemons.
fourth, assuming that you can follow directions/common sense to NOT DO something, drink fresh hand squeezed orange juice.
DONE!
February 2011
3 posts
4 tags
how to get a knot out of a shoelace
first, identify knot.
second, jam a sharp object into middle of knot. (don’t cut it.)
third, wiggle it around until it is possible to pull knot apart.
DONE!
10 tags
how to make valentines day cards, 2011 style, pt 1
first, because this is 2011, use ipad and other wireless technology fancy devices to compile a list of people to send valentines to. when list hits 20 people employ favorite swear word. that is a lot of heart cutting.
second, use technology to draw heart for base of card on ipad.
note: chuckle to superior-2011-self at how pathetic valentines making was in 2010 sans technology.
third, go...
8 tags
how to make a dinner of chips look classy
first, locate mostly empty bag of chips.
Note: if bag of chips is not a yuppie brand might as well give up now, because ain’t no way to make crushed lays look classy.
second, dump bag into a bowl.
third, place bowl of chips on top of an open New Yorker.
DONE!
January 2011
5 posts
9 tags
how to exercise a "large-boned" cat
first, purchase a fancy toy. preferably one that makes squeaky noises that will at least drive the humans crazy.
second, locate the cat.
third, introduce toy to cat. wait for joy to commence.
fourth, be persistant.
fifth, be really persistant.
sixth, DONT GIVE UP!
seventh, give up. put cat outside. hope that he burns some calories sitting two inches from the door.
DONE?
8 tags
how to change a light bulb
first, notice that light does not turn on when you hit the appropriate switch.
second, get a stool or a pile of something to stand on. remove light cover to figure out what kind of bulb is behind it.
third, try to reach bulb. stand up really tall. reach again. discover inability to overcome shortness issue.
fourth, make someone taller unscrew bulb and put new bulb in.
fifth, test out...
6 tags
how to vacuum
(semi-answer to a question from KBM)
first, purchase vacuum bags.
second, unearth vacuum. open top.
third, stuff bag in. this isn’t rocket science.
fourth, plug the sucker in and get to work.
TIP: focus on key areas/issues.
1. large to medium cobwebs (strap on that extender tube piece)
2. general floor area
2. under the couch (really only necessary if grownups/mothers are...
15 tags
how to make rouladen (translated: meat rolls)
first, beat the meat vigorously with a wooden mallet. or anything hard really. keep at it until meat is seriously flat.
second, pile on the fillings. bottom layer is mustard. then chopped up pickles! then chopped up onions!
DO NOT forget the bacon.
third, roll up the meat. secure with toothpicks. (if feeling extravagant/rebellious, don’t break toothpicks in half, thus using twice as...
9 tags
how to get information from a floppy disk in 2010+
first, have guys at local tech shop quote upwards of 100 bucks to transfer info. from 10 floppys to a usable device.
second, locate a computer with a floppy disk drive. hint: try old people.
third, turn computer on. set up materials.
fourth, insert floppy into to floppy disk drive.
fifth, when weird noises have stopped, transfer files from floppy to something normal like a thumb drive....
December 2010
3 posts
9 tags
how to get into bed when a cat is already there...
first, assess the situation.
second, butter up the barrier.
third, start pulling.
fourth, ignore the barrier. and vice versa.
fifth, assess the damage.
sixth, get into bed.
DONE!
6 tags
how to grow sea-monkeys from 1997, pt. 2
CONTINUED…
sixth, after waiting 5 days decide that perhaps there will be no new pet friends after all.
seventh, leave jar on desk for another week just in case.
done.
7 tags
how to grow sea-monkeys from 1997, pt. 1
first, retrieve sea-monkeys from 1997 from oblivion.
second, follow the directions for purifying the water even though it means waiting 24 to 30 HOURS. while waiting, contemplate why having fun involved sooo much waiting back in the day.
third, after 26.5 hours have passed. add new pet friends to water. read directions on packet after.
fourth, stir vigorously.
fifth, upon seeing...
November 2010
4 posts
7 tags
how to drink out of the faucet
first, wait patiently for someone to turn faucet on.
second, approach slowly. test water temperature.
third, put face under stream of water. lick.
DONE!
7 tags
how to dry a dog
first, locate wet dog. locate dog towel.
second, place dog towel on wet dog. don’t give up if dog resists.
third, wait for towel to dry dog.
fourth, remove towel from dog.
DONE!
7 tags
how to basic chores without the internet
first, get a pen and paper. write out list of chores.
second, post on fridge door.
DONE!
[special thanks to R. for the list!]
7 tags
how to make a home for a pet snail
first, locate pet snail. put him/her in some kind of container with snail food.
second, put some cling wrap stuff over the top.
third, poke some holes in the top so snail friend/pet can breathe.
fourth, read snail a bed time story. tell him/her that he/she is very cute.
DONE!
UPDATE: DO NOT LEAVE SNAIL FRIEND ALONE FOR TWO WEEKS UNSUPERVISED.
October 2010
3 posts
7 tags
how to store a gun*
first, steal gun from 1950’s cowboy movie.
second, put gun in oven.
third, order dinner.
DONE!
*basic chores does not condone gun ownership and does not recommend actually storing guns in the oven, even if you are 80 and a grandmother.
8 tags
how to make coffee in a cottage (chores summer...
first, locate some ground coffee, a coffee filter, a pot and a kettle.
second, fill kettle with water. place on a burner.
third, put some coffee in filter thingy.
fourth, after 10 minutes move kettle to burner that actually gets hot.
fifth, when water is hot pour into/on to filter thingy.
sixth, pour coffee from pot into a cup.
seventh, enjoy not being in the stinky city.
DONE!
7 tags
how to start a charcoal grill (chores summer...
first, dump some charcoal in the chimney thingy.
second, stuff some paper in the bottom half of the chimney. light it on fire.
third, stand around while it gets smokey.
fourth, after the smoke stops and it looks hot, put a glove on and pour the charcoal into the grill. dont catch on fire.
fifth, put the cover on the grill. ask someone if there is any food to grill.
DONE!
September 2010
1 post
7 tags
how to defrost a freezer without turning it off
first, determine if freezer has a “frost issue.”
second, if answer is yes or yup, locate a fork. excavate food that is frozen in. use both ends where necessary.
keep hacking at ice until most of it is looks like a rough approximation of snow.
third, put on lined orange lobersterman’s glove and scoop snow out of freezer and into a bucket.
fourth, admire stellar work. put...