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how to make oatmeal in a rice cooker
first, break out some old school oatmeal (the kind you can’t microwave), a measuring cup and the rice cooker.
second, read the directions on the can and follow them except for the parts about using a stove/paying attention to the time etc. just use the right ratio of oatmeal to water.
third, hit the start button/switch thing on the rice cooker.
fourth, unless a giant oatmeal goo mess on the cooker and counter is desired, take the cover off the rice cooker once it starts to boil.
fifth, wait for the cooker to tell you its done (google ‘fuzzy logic rice cooker’ if you get bored). if it looks like its getting over done you can pop it early.
sixth, eat the mushy masterpiece.
DONE!
Tweet 2 noteshow to grow potatoes inside
first, purchase some potatoes. mini-ones are easiest to carry home and to plant later. carelessly put them in a dark cool-ish cupboard. wait however long it take for them to start sprouting.
second, wait some more for good measure. when the sprouts are about hand high, they are ready to be planted.
third, get a jar and put some rocks up to almost the rim and add water to almost the top. put a couple ‘taters on top.
fourth, put jar someplace sorta near light.
NOTE: if you live with another human being or really nosey animals it is HIGHLY recommended to hide jar.
fifth, wait patiently (and add water when it gets low).
sixth, encourage growth by telling potatoes stories about paul bunion.
seventh, receive email from grandmother laughing/mocking at urban farming efforts. go to check on potatoes to confirm that they are not a laughing matter.
eighth, try really hard to not barf when you dump the surprisingly putrid mess in the sink. (if you have a sensitive gag reflex its probably best to go straight to outdoor trash.)
DONE!
Tweet 3 noteshow to change a front door lock (post holiday edition)
NOTE: this qualifies as post holiday because its a good way to ensure that pesky relatives don’t return and that you don’t get robbed after santa sells your information & key on the black market (how else do you think he pays for all those presents?)
first, remove the old lock by unscrewing and removing all visible screws and lock parts. there should be only a hole left.
PRO TIP: take careful note of how the parts fit together. this will make new lock install a lot less confusing.
second, take new lock out of box. keep the new and old parts separate. (don’t throw anything away.)
NOTE: multilock locks are expensive but worth it for the fancy square key technology that never gets stuck.
third, recall how the ring thingy fit over the actual key hole thing (aka the cylinder) on the old lock. slide the new ring thingy onto the the cylinder body. this should make it so that you can fit it in through the front of the door and it will sit mostly flush with the door.
fourth, holding cylinder in place, switch to the inside view of the door and grab the two smaller screws and the little plate (already installed in pic below) that will keep cylinder from falling out of the hole.
PRO TIP: if you don’t have a snazzy assistant to help hold the cylinder in place while you screw the little plate on, you can use duct tape on the front of the door. although be careful that it isn’t the kind that will rip the paint off…
fifth, once the lock cylinder is secured, find the old inside cover part (the one with the knob and deadbolt). hold the weird little tab that opens up the hole in the center and slide that hole over the stick thing.
sixth, post obligatory lewd joke, find the four longer screws that go with the cover. screw them in.
seventh, if you live in a sketchy or formerly sketchy area, find the front door cover plate and figure out how to screw/hammer those screws in. don’t forget to secure the screws with the nuts that keep screws in place on the inside of the door.
eighth, collect all the random tiny knoby parts, balls, screws that are left over. dump them in the toolbox. dont ask why, just do it.
ninth, throw away the old keys and lock the door. (take that santa!)
DONE!
Tweet 2 noteshow to change change clock batteries
first, discover that the clock might need its batteries changed.
second, flip it over, open the battery case and attempt to remove battery.
third, employ random stick items to get battery out.
fourth, test random batteries (why wouldn’t one that expired in 2009 work??). repeat stick/fork/knife method to remove ones from 2009 that don’t work.
fifth, once a functional battery is found, adjust time to correct time.
NOTE: if you’re always late set clock 5-10 minutes fast. it works surprisingly well when you’re only half awake in the am.
DONE!
Tweet 3 noteshow to deal with a mouse that is obnoxious and sneaky
first, discover that a mouse has gained entry to the under the sink cabinet.
second, realize that mouse has been using under the sink cabinet as its own personal POOP PALACE.
third, clean out nastiness. the under the sink cabinet is NOT a bathroom.
fourth, stuff all possible holes with steel wool.
DONE.
Tweet 3 notes
